My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
The adults are the big ones right?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
