1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
And then my night got REAL pukey
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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