I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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