so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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