I haven't been this sober since birth.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
