The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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