Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
