a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
