I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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