cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
