I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
