eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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