Whod you bang
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
