He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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