I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
