I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
