I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
