the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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