I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
