Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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