so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
