Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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