Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
