Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
