we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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