We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
