Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
