It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
