He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
