Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
