I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
