she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Randomize
