my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
worst night to have a conscience
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Is Oprah even human
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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