You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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