Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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