so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Randomize
