so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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