I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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