I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
