Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
