normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
