Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
