I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Randomize
