How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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