Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
