Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Randomize
