never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Randomize
