My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
