Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
