White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
