Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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