my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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