? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
