literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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