my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
