I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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