After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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