she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
