are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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