Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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