Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize