the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I just cut my nipple shaving
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
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